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The MTF Transsexual: Growth as a Woman.

By- MichaelTSG

A man new to dating a MTF transsexual (MTF means Male-To-Female) is very likely in for more surprises than the obvious one, about her background and genitalia, if she is pre-op. In terms of life experience as a woman, for example, that 45-year-old MTF transsexual he's dating might actually be 20. Maybe even younger.

The "surprise" comes in when you suddenly discover she's acting in some way contrary to your expectations of a genetic girl (GG). Maybe it's something she said. Maybe it's her reaction to some situation in which you would expect a GG to express a certain emotion. Your girl might stop cold and not express that emotion.

The fact that your MTF transsexual girl has always been a girl deep inside her mind/soul does not mean she has had the life experiences to know how to react as a GG under a given set of circumstances. Let's assume that your 45-year-old TS has been living full-time as a female for five years. Who have been her mentors?

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Certainly not her mother, sisters, aunts, grandmothers and cousins. Certainly not her childhood girlfriends and their mothers. They knew your MTF transsexual woman as a boy and then as a man. In college, your TS girl's friends were guys, not the girls who were experimenting with sex and relationships. Back then, as a "he," his mentors were all male and he learned how to react as a male.

Let's say that your TS lady, at age 45, transitioned five years previously. That means she has some five years of experience as a woman. Her mentors have been most likely a woman therapist, others in the transgender and transsexual community and any GG friends she has acquired in her life as a woman, possibly including some GG's on her job.

Your MTF transsexual was not raised as a woman. She did not have 45 years of experience that shaped her knowledge and behavior as a female. In the case of our example, she might well display the emotional instincts and insecurities of a teenage girl or woman in her 20s.

Real Life MTF Transsexual Stories

This experiential immaturity can find its way into relationships. In one case I'm familiar with, a MTF transsexual, who had transitioned about six years previously, had difficulty with feeling close and intimate with her man, in a non-sexual way. GG's typically have few such difficulties. But this TS felt unsure and distant from her man at such moments. Her therapist pointed out that she was attempting to take the knowledge that GG's acquire over the course of more than 40 years from the moment of puberty, and compress it into only six years.

That essentially means some female life lessons will be incomplete for a while.

Despite this TS's chronological age, her "emotional age" as a woman is far younger, decades younger. TS's begin their journey way behind the learning curve as compared to genetic women. There's a lot of catching up to do and some life lessons won't be learned completely in the available time.

"When I transitioned," said another, older MTF transsexual, "when I began taking female hormones, I started out as a female at puberty. For any older TS beginning hormone replacement therapy, you will be thrown back into your mid-teens or into your 20s. That doesn't mean you don't feel like a woman, it means you are inexperienced at the practical side of being a woman, the everyday life of being a woman."


"You are faced with learning all of this very quickly," she said. "For instance: How do I talk to a waiter in a restaurant? How do I walk? Does my makeup look slutty? How do I sit? The only way you're going to learn it is to experience it. The man must be patient and let her go through her life experiences.

"There is a big difference between being dressed and out with transgender friends and living fulltime as a woman," this MTF transsexual said. "You do this alone -- without friends -- because your friends are not going to be with you every single freaking minute. That support group, that safety net, is gone.

"The first time I went to the supermarket as a woman, I was scared to death. I spent an hour working on my makeup to look as 'girly' as possible, and I did not leave the house until it was perfect. These days, there is no preparation for the supermarket trip, I just go. Like any GG does.

"What it's all about, once you go thru these life experiences as a woman, you build confidence, and with the confidence comes the maturity to deal with these experiences."

MTF transsexuals who haven't been living fulltime as women for many years may not even be aware that their education as women is incomplete until something happens, or doesn't happen when it should. After all, you don't know what you don't know!

The point of this article for the man dating a MTF transsexual is two-fold:

1. Expect that your TS woman's life knowledge of feminine behavior may be incomplete. At times she might react differently than you would expect from a mature GG.

2. Be patient, talk to your lady about it. She can then take it up with her GG friends and her therapist, if she has one.

The man who has a TS girlfriend has to be patient, because his lady has to live it. She will learn through experience. She will suffer the slings and arrows of growth, much like a GG teenager who needs to make her own mistakes in order to learn.

The man can lend support by understanding this maturation process she's going through. Be patient and don't lose your cool. As she goes through these experiences, do recognize that your MTF transsexual will mature as a woman.

I reserve all publication rights on this article, but feel free to forward it to anyone you like. Copyright 2007, all publication rights reserved.

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