TGirls Letters - TGirl feedback to us

TGirls Letters - TGirl Feedback to Us

September, 2006

Our TGirls Letters section is devoted to feedback we receive. The most recent letters appear at the top.

TGIRLS THOUGHTS ON ACCEPTANCE AS A WOMAN
Subject: About Your SIte Transgender Dating.
Date: 9/28/2006 2:34:28 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: TSgirlfriend4me@aol.com

It is kind of a coincidence I came across your site at this time, when an hour ago I was literally bawling over a similar situation as presented in your "Bar/Scene" scenerio.

I was dating someone not too long ago who I now realize how much I miss, I'll explain...

I am a 27-year-old male-to-female transsexual who is struggling with her transition.

The person I was talking about I met on a field trip to an amusement park, and the one thing that caught my attention about this guy is that, despite major insecurities I have about myself , this person gave me the validation that I yearned for.

Now that I look back on it, I think I might have sabotaged a really good thing.

Anyway, about the guy. This guy was really good to me and I couldn't fathom the idea of a guy this good liking me, really liking me.

After some time dating, I revealed to him that I recently took up "escorting" as a trade to afford the surgeries I felt I needed to complete my transition. I could tell he was uncomfortable with that but he didnt say anything about it. He tried to make the best attempt at being understanding with this new-found knowledge about me. At one point, he came to my home while I was with a client, which was really awkward and awful.

My point is that I couldn't accept that he accepted me as a woman. I was so self involved and worried about being this image of perfection, mainly because I felt that I needed to be prettier and more feminine than a GG to keep a man's interest, that I need to pass without question and be undoubtedly accepted as a woman. I also made a presumption about him. I assumed that I wasn't enough in his eyes, that he didn't see me as female, and I needed to know that he saw me as one. I didn't. Not because of him, but because of me. The problem was with me . I didn't think I was enough. I didn't think I was enough when I first met him, and probably pursing something romantic with someone feeling that way wasn't the smartest thing to do. In fact, I really shouldn't have. I really wasn't ready to deal with a relationship on any level because I didn't have much self-love to begin with.

And a big reason why I have so much self doubt when it comes to men is largely in part because they never gave me the validation that I felt I needed. The desire to be treated like a girl. I was always treated like a boy and that has caused irreparable damage to how I deal with men.

What your article made me realize is that this circumstance sucks all the way around. And that I need to focus on myself and my core identity, and that I probably will never fall in love with a man. By understanding this and accepting this, it releases me. It releases me from all the pressure of trying to be perfect and flawless in their eyes.

The guy I was dating, not at all long after we were done, he met a GG and got her pregnant. It didnt take him long to get over me and I know why.

The fact is that no matter what a transsexual does, no matter how pretty she is, or how passable she is, or how much society "accepts her as a woman"...the grass is always greener on the inside...meaning a man will always unfairly compare a genetic woman to a transsexual. As long as that comparison exists, as long as we have that label (transsexual) tied to our gender, we will always fall short, somehow, to the mind of the one-dimensional rigid man who can't see a woman, even if she wasn't born one.

TGIRL-RELATED FILM
Subject: Film that Would Interest your TG Audience
Date: 9/28/2006 1:20:08 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: masa@microangelo.com
To: Tsgirlfriend4me@aol.com

My name is Masa and I’m on the team to spread word about "Zerophilia," the film about a boy who can change gender at will, tackling issues of being able to be TG, and is about an overall message about acceptance. Please check out the trailer at: www.zerophilia.com and you might want to talk about the film on your site. Maybe we could get you an interview with director Martin Curland over email or something if you show great interest.

You're site seems to be very positive, and the film Zerophilia is a positive, light-hearted look at sexuality and gender changes. Please email me if you have any questions.

Talk to you soon,

--Masa.

INFO WAS INVALUABLE, TGIRL'S BOYFRIEND SAYS
Subject: Your site was invaluable!
Date: 9/28/2006 11:31:27 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: Tsgirlfriend4me@aol.com

I just wanted to say that I am SO glad I found your site.

I recently started dating a wonderful pre-op TS lady (let's just call her "Kelly" to cut down on the use of pronouns, mostly for my benefit). Kelly answered a personal ad I had placed online (actually, a friend of her's saw it, sent it to her and told her she'd better write to me!)

My mother always taught me to get to know a person for who they are, not what they are -- be it sex (gender or preference), skin color, religion, etc.

When Kelly told me right from her first email that she was a pre-op TS living her third year as a woman (or as Kelly put it, "My third year living as ME"), I didn't even give it a second thought; she was pretty and funny...a good start in my book. Anyway, Kelly is a wonderful person; our sense of humor is the same (a bit twisted and dark at times), we're both admitted "dorks," we connect, we click with each other in a way that I've never had with any GG (I'm divorced once and have never had a LTR that I was TRULY happy in.)

Dating a TS is "new territory" for me and because I like this girl, and I didn't want to blow it. She had been hurt in a previous relationship -- the guy's intentions were NOT what he led her to believe, and Kelly was very hesitant and guarded with me at first. That was totally understandable. I've been burned like that, too. I won't even tell you how hard it was to get her to take a chance and meet in person.

I had lots of questions and some I felt would NOT be appropriate or proper to ask her. Your site has answered EVERY SINGLE QUESTION in my mind. How to proceed, how to treat her (like a lady. Duh. I DO THAT with any woman I'm dating), what to do, what not to do, how to act, intimacy, how to deal with meeting the family (hasn't got to that point yet, but I feel like it will -- not too much of an issue, my family is open minded and we have a few TV and TS in the family, to boot) -- all those questions and more I found answers to on your site. The articles are fantastic and the advice section...hell, I almost saw myself in a couple of those emails.

Thanks, again for being there.

--Alan.

LOOK INSIDE YOURSELVES, TGIRLS
Subject: Some comments
Date: 9/26/2006 3:06:59 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: tsgirlfriend4me@aol.com

I've been reading some of your articles, and most of them are quite interesting, but don't always portray both sides of the story equally.

I'm a bisexual guy who was in a long-term relationship with a pre-op transsexual. The relationship broke up through her choice, because she didn't believe I respected her enough. Yet, in fact, it was the other way around. Sure, there are guys out there who are pigs, Neanderthals, just out for sex, but there are also guys who aren't.

I label myself as bisexual because it's the closest definition I have -- gender doesn't bother me. Admittedly, I didn't go into the relationship with all the facts, but when I first encountered my ex, I was attracted to her and didn't even realize she was TS. A gay friend of mine informed me after I announced my interest, as if I was to be appalled, but my reaction was different. As a bisexual, it doesn't matter to me what's under the hood. This may have been a naive outset, but I got to know her as a person and quickly came to like her and fell in love with her over time.

However, she wasn't a very nice person all the time. The stresses of transitioning got to her, and inevitably she took them out the person closest person to her -- me. But talking with her, you could see that her attitude towards men was very negative. She never gave me the respect I deserved, was always looking for the negative, waiting for me to fail. All the good things were overlooked, because I was a man, and I only wanted her for sex. I didn't lie to her -- I told her I was bisexual, mainly because she would have found out from my friends anyway. That gave her yet another excuse for the relationship to fail -- I only wanted her because I wanted her penis, because I was really gay.

With a mindset like that, the relationship was doomed to fail, especially after she stopped trying. She only wanted me when she wanted me -- the rest of the time she was as stubborn and distant just as any natal male or female can be.

Just as you should be educating men (and women) about transsexuality and dealing with pre-op and post-op TS girls, you should also be looking to educate TS girls about the fact that not every natal man or women out there is a pig just waiting to abuse them for sex. There's a lot of anti-male propaganda around, and while quite a large part of the natal male population are assholes and don't do the rest of us any favors, we're not all like that. We are all people, and we all deserve to be treated with respect, and not dismissed based on such propaganda and ill-thought-out conclusions of others.

In many ways, my ex-girlfriend's attitude is her own downfall, and is making her existence as a pre-op transsexual much harder than it should be. Many TS friends I have spoken with, pre- and post-op, have similar attitudes, and it is this that prevents them from finding the love and companionship they seek. There are great guys out there, but if you aren't willing to look for them and give people a chance, then you are doomed to failure. The people who continue to support the man-bashing approach, particularly bisexual men, are doing no favors for the transsexual community.

--Chris F.

TGIRLS & THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
Subject: Springer Show
Date: 9/26/2006 8:15:42 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: TSgirlfriend4me@aol.com

First of all, I want to say thanks for setting the Springer Show straight. Second, I saw the episode last night and, as expected, they turned it into a freak show. Though the girl who went on the date was quite beautiful, Jerry made constant referances to the guy who went out with her as being gay. Made constant references to the woman not being a woman and made it all a big joke. As usual.

Unfortunately, it looks like your response had absolutely no effect, not that I really expected it to. Only reason I watched at all was to see how they would do that small segment of the show. The rest of the episode consisted of a shemale in a bikini, and I use the term appropriately in this case. And a sister confronting her transsexual "sister," trying to convince him he just needs to be a man.

The date was handled fairly respectfully, for the date itself seemed like they had a nice time and enjoyed each other's company, even said they'd want to date again. It was when they were back to the studio talking is when the whole "He's gay and she's a guy" thing started. Obviously, depite your efforts, the show has learned nothing and will continue to exploit the trans communuity. And sadly, a lot of people get their impressions of transsexuals from that show.

Thanks for the great website, though, and keep up the good work in educating people.

--Jason.

Editor's reply: If the public can't tell that the Springer Show is pure shit, then they have serious problems. I had no expectations my email rebuke would have any effect. I just wanted to go on record telling them that they suck.

TGIRL HAS BOOBIES
Subject: I have boobies !
Date: 9/26/2006 7:32:14 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: TSgirlfriend4me@aol.com

I have just started taking hormone pills. I have developed small breasts. I also did a little work with a pump to give me perky nipples. I have removed all the hair from the neck down. I guess I wanted to be a girl my whole life. I am interested in meeting guys and girls to date.

TGIRL VOLUNTEERS FOR ROOM MONITOR DUTY
Subject: Note to MichaelTSG
Date: 9/24/2006 6:42:57 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: tsgirlfriend4me@aol.com

Michael:

I just wanted to let you know that I found your site very welcoming in my time visiting it. Also, I wanted you to know one of your mods one night had to leave and asked me to fill in as a Temp Room Monitor at your site. I found the pull-up text rather interesting for greeting users. I like how you set that up for your site. I only had to fill in for about 5 minutes 'til another of your regular moderators showed up, but it was fun. Seeing as I am a moderator at Lauras Playground and cannot offer a regular amount of time to your site, I can not volunteer as a full-time mod at your site or for on a regular basis. I would, however, be interested in training as a fill-in when needed if I come in and only one mod is there who needs to leave for a while, so your room won't need to close. I realize it would not happen all that often, as you have a very dedicated staff. But I do also realize that there are days when it does happen that all the staff can not be there. Please let me know what your answer is. Thank you.

--Monica Jennifer.

TGIRL SAYS THANKS FOR TSMATCH.COM
Subject: Many thanks
Date: 9/23/2006 4:34:59 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: tsgirlfriend4me@aol.com

To you and all the others who have put TS Match together and work hard to maintain it: I just registered today and I was particularly struck by your statement about the TG community in the News section and couldn't agree more. A site like this could potentially be a godsend for people like me.

If an opportunity arises to donate or become a subscribed member, count me in.

Kind regards,

--Alexandra.

NEEDS CLARITY ON SEXUALITY QUESTION
Subject: Needs clarity
Date: 9/19/2006 1:15:02 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: Tsgirlfriend4me@aol.com

Hello,

I am a male who is confused on the transsexual thing. I like transsexuals just as much as I like women, and maybe more. I find them sexuality stimulating and only see a woman, just with a penis. I don't like men at all but I like transsexuals and they both have a penis. Does me liking them make me gay or what? I like penises on a girl, but on a guy I'm grossed out, especially sex-wise . I am what you might say a young man so I shouldn't be talking to you guys but I trust you. I have seen you website and enjoyed the outlook on this. I trust you to give me an answer that is the truth and not some malarkey like I have been getting from other sites.

--Jay.

TGIRL SAYS NO MALE BASHING
Subject: male bashing
Date: 9/11/2006 10:37:21 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: Deleted
To: Tsgirlfriend4me@aol.com

Great article, please send my congrats to the writer. I see this happening so often and it is innappropriate, especially since this IS a DATING site.

--Kelcy.

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